Monthly Archives: March 2015

That is how I feel tonight…his work wasn’t done! 

Our son needed him. I’m angry once again. I hate grief, hate it which only makes me hate it more. It’s such an ugly vicious cycle of an irrational roller coaster of emotions.  I’ve read about the “stages” of grief, studied them and heck I live them daily but to be completely honest they can go SUCK it! For myself I can fly through all the stages in different orders, without warning, for different periods of time when something triggers them. When Justin laid in ICU many people came to see him and pray with/for him. One particular time I remember my Dad during a prayer saying “his work is not done here, he is needed”. It was so very true and still is. The prayer was answered as they always are but the outcome was No, heaven needs him more. I can remember during that prayer touching Justin’s leg and looking at his foot. Brocks toes are like his Daddy’s in how one of them curves over the other. 

When Justin died his other son was 3 years old, the same as Brock right now. I am almost Justin’s age now myself and cannot even fathom leaving my children. Brock would be an orphan. How afraid he must have been to be faced with death in your late 30s. 



His work wasn’t done! 

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Not The Way It Was Planned

When you ask Brock what his favorite color is he will say “Green!” He is addimit it is green. His Dad’s favorite color was green.

Coincidence? Don’t believe in them.

These incidences are were God shows us things or in this case where perhaps Justin is shining through to me/us through his son. When my heart has been heavy lately he knows what song to bring on the radio…sometimes on multiple channels at the same time. Brock and I find penny’s laying around places, some say that they are penny’s from heaven. We save some and toss others into fountains.

The other evening while discussing books, chapters and verses in the bible Jason and I downloaded a daily devotional. The verse for that day was Jeremiah 29:11. Just hit me in the chest. That was Justin’s verse.

Coincidence?  I don’t believe so.

Goodness he is missed. His son is so…

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When you ask Brock what his favorite color is he will say “Green!” He is addimit it is green. His Dad’s favorite color was green.

Coincidence? Don’t believe in them.

These incidences are were God shows us things or in this case where perhaps Justin is shining through to me/us through his son. When my heart has been heavy lately he knows what song to bring on the radio…sometimes on multiple channels at the same time. Brock and I find pennys laying around places, some say that they are pennys from heaven. We save some and toss others into fountains.

The other evening while discussing books, chapters and verses in the bible Jason and I downloaded a daily devotional. The verse for that day was Jeremiah 29:11. Just hit me in the chest. That was Justin’s verse.

 

Coincidence?  I don’t believe so.

Goodness he is missed. His son is so much like him it is amazing at times.

Anyone who has had great loss in their life realizes just what a life sentence it really is. Forever your heart will ache, forever tears will fall for them. I see my sweet blonde boy and know he doesn’t even realize the loss he has, his life sentence.

The night his Dad died I remember walking out of the ICU after days of being there and just collapsing to the floor. The physical weight of grief just consuming me. I needed to hold Brock, he has been my strength SO many times. Once he was in my arms I felt strong again. He needed me, depended on me. When left the hospital I remember looking at my then tiny 3 month old son thinking it is you and I sweet boy. You and I.

“Hold onto me and I’ll Hold onto you.”

People are placed in our lives when we need them I wholeheartedly believe. Brock and I both are very blessed to be loved once again. Falling in love with a heart that will be forever broken is hard and confusing but also gives you without a doubt a clarity few know. We laugh, smile and give our love without hesitation because things can change with just one swollen leg in a Walmart. (That’s what originally sent Justin and I to the ER, 3 days later we found out he had cancer) At times I am still brought to my knees in a mess of tears.