That is how I would describe the past year, progress. The first year after Justin died felt like surviving. Remembering to breath, wondering if the pain I felt would always be so sharp and all consuming. Just surviving. So many days felt like I had been in a plane crash and waking up to a world I didn’t know. Some of the pieces were there but most things were completely changed. People were missing and gone…forever. Brock’s Daddy was gone. How was it decided all he needed was just 3 short months and no memories of his own as enough? I don’t have an answer for that nor do I need one. It’s not my plan but His. Justin came into my life exactly when he was suppose too and left me with the most precious of gifts, our son. My sweet little blonde boy.
The beginning of my blog started with recounting and remembering our journey of Justin’s cancer fight and last days. I never finished writing it down and probably never will. It’s personal and private. It’s mine, my memories. The day he died was one of the most precious of my life along side when my three children were born. Justin was so strong and fought so hard. Being alone in the room with him, feeling the warmth leave his body and his heart rate slowed and finally stopped is just indescribable. Life changing in so many ways to say the least.
There are times my heart still hurts he is gone. For myself I am okay he watches us from above but for my sweet boy my heart will always ache for him. Recently picking Brock up at preschool another child ran up to his Daddy saying “daddy, daddy” so excited to see him. Brought tears to my eyes as Brock will never be able to do that, at least not on here on earth. One day it will happen…up above in heaven. What a reunion that will be! >
Almost two years ago I took all three kids to the zoo. They had a good time but I felt so out of place. We were surrounded by happy families and pregnant women. I blogged about it and how I asked not “why me” but “why not me”. That I must be strong enough to live this life. The visit felt so weird and almost as if I was in a foreign country. I couldn’t relate to anyone there. We were different or at least I was. Over spring break we went back and it didn’t dawn on me until a few days after we went that I didn’t feel out of place this time. Still a lot of happy families and pregnant women but it just felt like an outing to the zoo. It’s progress. While mine will never be the cookie cutter typical family we are a happy little family all the same! I once saw this quote that said the only cure for grief is to grieve. There isn’t a short cut or fix. You have to feel the emotions, live them, let them nearly swallow you up whole at times. You have to grieve. Big losses such as Justin’s will be a life long journey with waves of emotions at times.
New relationships have been formed, some changed and others lost this last year. New love has found me also that is nothing short of orchestrated from up above. Life is good which is something I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to say again. It isn’t always easy and I don’t expect it to always be but I do expect more progress. >