Just RUN…that is what I thought a year ago early in the morning on April 1st. I was sleeping at home and the ICU nurse called Justin had coded. Calmly I got dressed quickly and drove to the hospital. My only thought was PLEASE do not let him die alone. I knew he was going to die but I did not want it to alone. Knowing everything we had been through I know he would not have wanted to be alone either.
I pull into the parking lot, put my car in park and got out. All of sudden I felt the urge to RUN…I think I was watched over to get to the hospital safely than panic set in and I came back to reality. Just RUN. I ran into the hospital, up the 2 flights of stairs to the ICU floor and through the doors. I was telling myself he was gone, preparing myself. When I turned the corner and looked at his monitors his heart was still beating! I knew his heart would stop soon, it was only a matter of time but was also selfishly SO grateful he had waited.
The next day and a half are such a blur to me now. His body was failing and tired. We had been told we were praying for a miracle and he needed time. Our prayers were answered but the answer was No, Justin had come and did what he was suppose to do here on earth and was being chosen to go to heaven. I have said it before, he won that day a year ago…he lives where we can only imagine. I believe it is beyond our wildest dreams amazing. If we are lucky we will know one day…
The “why” game can try very hard to sneak its way into my life. I refuse to play. I do not ask why, it will eat my sanity alive. All I know is knowing what I do now I wouldn’t change a thing. Justin changed my life forever and gave me a gift few have the privilege of. I alone saw an amazing man leave this earth last April 2nd. I felt the warmth leave his body…his spirt leave his earthly shell.
He also left me with our sweet son. While looking through pictures of Justin today Brock was in my lap…he pointed and said “Dada”. He recognized his Dad! He knew who he was. He will never have a memory of his own of his father being only 3 months old when he died. It is such a huge responsibility being the “keeper” of my memories for him. He will only know his father through stories. A huge responsibility and even bigger privilege.
This past year has shown me many things…some amazing people have come into my life. Supported and loved me unconditionally. New friendships made and others reunited. Without my parents I am not sure I would have survived this past year. I can only hope to show my children the unconditional love they have given me. When my children hurt I hurt and I am sure they have hurt with me this past year.
Some relationships have been lost also…friends and family. I make no apologies, do not use Justin as a crutch and unless you walk in my shoes your opinion is not needed or wanted. There just isn’t any room on my plate for you.
My reality now is completely different then I ever imagine it to be…forever altered. Different then most my age. My eyes are wide open and unfiltered where most people’s are. It is a gift I was given by Justin also. Forever he will live in my heart. Being his LAST love is priceless and something I cherish.
I know Justin sees the plan that lays ahead for us and is helping in the orchestration of our future already. He may have left physically but his spirit is alive and well within.
Not The Way It Was Planned 