Have you been at the doctor’s office before they give you a shot and they say to you “take a breath” and then they stick you? That is how I feel right now. This weekend marks the weekend where everything started to spin for Justin and I. This is the weekend a year ago we were walking through Walmart when we noticed his leg was swollen and went to the ER. I wish I could take a breath and wake up after all of these “firsts” were over. This weekend last year our lives changed forever…cancer became part of our lives.
This picture sums up everything. Love it
Last year this time we were planning a weekend away that turned into a week-long hospital stay. This year Justin is gone and it is Brock and I here….something I never imagined possible! I never thought he would die. Sometimes I think I must have lived in a complete blur or disbelief Justin had cancer…CANCER. People die from cancer. We buried him 6 months ago. Our son has lived more days without his father now then with him…he is 10 MONTHS OLD! Cancer pisses me off. We had hope, so much hope. Hope is a good thing but it is also devastating.
Brock has had SO many milestones and seems to learn new “tricks” almost daily in between giving endless smiles to everyone. All of these milestones are so bittersweet. I wish Justin was here with us to experience them. He loved his children so very much. I know he is watching and sees Brock, he told me so in my dream. These milestones coming up…Justin’s milestones feel entirely different. They make me want to take a breath and just hold on. I always try to embrace whatever emotion I am feeling because they are all valid but I wish these I could skip. These are scary. I can remember the uncertainty from this weekend last year…it was almost like we entered the twilight zone. I remember every detail from that hospital stay and every one after that. Things I will never forget.
Brock and I went back to the same location and had pictures taken that Justin and I did last year. We took his shirt he wore in the original pictures with us. It was something that I had been wanting to do but up until now I couldn’t. We got some of the pictures back and I LOVE them. They capture what I had hoped they would…my happy littlest love with some of his father in them.
I miss Justin so much but I look forward to the future. There is so much more life and happiness to be had, I have to believe that. I want that. I believe that Justin and I were brought together exactly when we were suppose too because we needed each other. I will say it a thousand times over…I am SO glad I was the one by his side, that he chose me for this journey with him. Brock is here as a living vision of the love we shared that will forever live in my heart. So I take a breath and hold on until the next chapter starts and to get through these “firsts” without completely loosing my mind. Let’s be honest…my mind is gone by this point but I wouldn’t have it any other way.