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BIOPSY….that one word can say and scare you so very much! Before Justin abnormal cells, biopsies and cancer had never been in my vocabulary. They now are ingrained into my knowledge and heart forever. Any of those words scare me to my core being. Staying positive and not diving into an abyss of depression is an everyday battle. I know Justin would not want me to do anything but continue to live my life and move forward which I am trying to do.

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Last week I had to go back to the gyn for a check-up. I could not go back to my regular doctor for a few reasons one being that there are too many memories there. I couldn’t see the chairs we sat in while we waited for our doctors visits together or the room where we first saw that little flicker of a heartbeat. I just couldn’t do it. The new doctor I saw got it…he was sympathetic to the situation. Files transferred over, easy fix. Sitting in the waiting room gave me such anxiety. I SO want to be those other women who look like they are in different stages of bliss. I didn’t know that bliss with Brock’s pregnancy. Cancer took that away. Pregnancy is supposed to be such a happy time. Mine was full of biopsies and scans for Justin. Trying to hold things together while all the time holding my growing pregnant belly worrying. Cancer did that.

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I have abnormal cells on my cervix. While he went over the different types of cells his voice began to fade into the background. All I could think of were my children. I cannot leave them, they need me. Justin’s children needed him too though??? My sweet babies…they need me!

After going over the different stages of abnormal cells the doctor told me this is like someone sitting in the waiting room with a bomb. We don’t know when the bomb will go off and become cancerous cells so we are not going to let it get that far. He said…your children need you. He gets it.

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Next week I am having a biopsy of my cervix. Yes, I know chances are things will be fine but I am scared. Justin was given a 95% curability rate. We buried him last spring, less than 5 months later. You cannot have lived the last year of my life and not be scared. Unimaginable things happen against odds. I do not have the luxury of living with the comfort of being 95% sure that these abnormal cells are nothing…my son does not have a living Daddy even with those odds. Cancer has taken so much already…too much!