Last week my sweet baby boy started going to Mother’s Day Out twice a week…we call it his “school.” I remember leaving Liz and Garrett around the same age and it being hard but Brock is just different. Everything about that sweet boy is different. I would do anything to protect all of my children but for him it can go to almost an irrational place very quickly. He has been dealt enough in life already in his young few months, mess with him and I will hurt you…not joking in the least.
Driving to drop him off I feel so anxious, what if something happens why he is there? Will he be scared and wonder where all his regular people are? What if he gets hungry? Hurt? I know that he will be taken care of but the irrational side of me knows that bad things happen to innocent good people. Again, I will hurt you if you mess with him. So..back to the drive, in my head I am asking to Justin please be with me and our son. Help me get through this…something I am sure I will ask countless times over the rest of my life. We arrive and I take my always happy boy out of his car seat, my hands are shaking. I have to leave him. If I do not leave him today there will be another time I will have to leave him with “strangers” and I wont want to do it then either. We walk in and I hand over one of my most prize possessions. He is completely unaware and starts to play. Always his happy self. 🙂
There is my sweet boys name! 🙂
Walking back to the car I have a sense of I DID IT! So silly but such a huge thing in itself also. He is special, he is different, he is mine and I am his. I am his only living parent…we are each others, other. I arrive back to my car and turn it on….the song came on. The SONG came on! Anytime I have asked Justin to please help me through something this song comes on. I cry like a baby in the car…I am not alone! I love that man so much.
Everything is so hard and emotionally exhausting. Packing Brock’s diaper bad the night before I completely cleaned it out…everything. I saw the cough drop wrappers in the side pocket where Justin had placed them. It used to aggravate me that he would drop them off everywhere and anywhere. Now when I find them they make me smile. I took all the wrappers out of the diaper bag. I want to save them. Irrational I know but anything related to Justin is so precious, even cough drop wrappers! I finished packing his diaper bag including placing one of the wrappers back into it. It gave me comfort that part of his Daddy would be going to school with him.
Sometimes I wonder how in the world did I get here…where a cough drop wrapper is so valuable and holds so much significance. This is my world, my reality of trying to survive daily. This wasnt the plan.
Not the best picture, it was dark in the room still. 🙂
Picking Brock up that first day he was all smiles and came crawling up to me saying “momma momma momma” like he always does when he is tired. He had a good day. Love that boy! 🙂