BIOPSY….that one word can say and scare you so very much! Before Justin abnormal cells, biopsies and cancer had never been in my vocabulary. They now are ingrained into my knowledge and heart forever. Any of those words scare me to my core being. Staying positive and not diving into an abyss of depression is an everyday battle. I know Justin would not want me to do anything but continue to live my life and move forward which I am trying to do.
Last week I had to go back to the gyn for a check-up. I could not go back to my regular doctor for a few reasons one being that there are too many memories there. I couldn’t see the chairs we sat in while we waited for our doctors visits together or the room where we first saw that little flicker of a heartbeat. I just couldn’t do it. The new doctor I saw got it…he was sympathetic to the situation. Files transferred over, easy fix. Sitting in the waiting room gave me such anxiety. I SO want to be those other women who look like they are in different stages of bliss. I didn’t know that bliss with Brock’s pregnancy. Cancer took that away. Pregnancy is supposed to be such a happy time. Mine was full of biopsies and scans for Justin. Trying to hold things together while all the time holding my growing pregnant belly worrying. Cancer did that.
I have abnormal cells on my cervix. While he went over the different types of cells his voice began to fade into the background. All I could think of were my children. I cannot leave them, they need me. Justin’s children needed him too though??? My sweet babies…they need me!
After going over the different stages of abnormal cells the doctor told me this is like someone sitting in the waiting room with a bomb. We don’t know when the bomb will go off and become cancerous cells so we are not going to let it get that far. He said…your children need you. He gets it.
Next week I am having a biopsy of my cervix. Yes, I know chances are things will be fine but I am scared. Justin was given a 95% curability rate. We buried him last spring, less than 5 months later. You cannot have lived the last year of my life and not be scared. Unimaginable things happen against odds. I do not have the luxury of living with the comfort of being 95% sure that these abnormal cells are nothing…my son does not have a living Daddy even with those odds. Cancer has taken so much already…too much!
These milestones are so bittersweet. Sitting at the doctors office I always sit in the waiting room with my back to everyone else. I cannot look at the happy families that are there together. Especially the infant waiting area. These appointments I have always been alone at or without Justin. I hate it. Too see the other Dads interacting with their children, it breaks my heart and makes me so jealous.
It is just not fair dammit!
I sit there trying to keep myself composed and not completely go into a panic attack. My happy little guy has no idea. It makes me so sad for him that he will never have those happy moments with his wonderful, smart Daddy. I can take this mountain on by why my child? There are so many questions but no answers.
Filling out all of Brock’s forms for his new school there obviously was a place for his parents information….his parents as in plural. It was the first time I came across this for him. What do I put for Justin? They know at his school his Daddy passed away. I sat at stared at the black line for Father…..
Then I realized this really isn’t that difficult. For Father I put Justin Phillips, Brock’s Daddy. In the place for phone number I put he lives in our hearts and not in our home.
It is important for Brock to have his Father’s name where ever he is I feel. Brock has a Daddy…a wonderful, smart, funny loving Father. It is what would have been there if Justin was here on earth with us. Anywhere I can put Justin’s name I will. Without Justin I wouldn’t have my sweet baby boy. 🙂
Last week my sweet baby boy started going to Mother’s Day Out twice a week…we call it his “school.” I remember leaving Liz and Garrett around the same age and it being hard but Brock is just different. Everything about that sweet boy is different. I would do anything to protect all of my children but for him it can go to almost an irrational place very quickly. He has been dealt enough in life already in his young few months, mess with him and I will hurt you…not joking in the least.
Driving to drop him off I feel so anxious, what if something happens why he is there? Will he be scared and wonder where all his regular people are? What if he gets hungry? Hurt? I know that he will be taken care of but the irrational side of me knows that bad things happen to innocent good people. Again, I will hurt you if you mess with him. So..back to the drive, in my head I am asking to Justin please be with me and our son. Help me get through this…something I am sure I will ask countless times over the rest of my life. We arrive and I take my always happy boy out of his car seat, my hands are shaking. I have to leave him. If I do not leave him today there will be another time I will have to leave him with “strangers” and I wont want to do it then either. We walk in and I hand over one of my most prize possessions. He is completely unaware and starts to play. Always his happy self. 🙂
There is my sweet boys name! 🙂
Walking back to the car I have a sense of I DID IT! So silly but such a huge thing in itself also. He is special, he is different, he is mine and I am his. I am his only living parent…we are each others, other. I arrive back to my car and turn it on….the song came on. The SONG came on! Anytime I have asked Justin to please help me through something this song comes on. I cry like a baby in the car…I am not alone! I love that man so much.
Everything is so hard and emotionally exhausting. Packing Brock’s diaper bad the night before I completely cleaned it out…everything. I saw the cough drop wrappers in the side pocket where Justin had placed them. It used to aggravate me that he would drop them off everywhere and anywhere. Now when I find them they make me smile. I took all the wrappers out of the diaper bag. I want to save them. Irrational I know but anything related to Justin is so precious, even cough drop wrappers! I finished packing his diaper bag including placing one of the wrappers back into it. It gave me comfort that part of his Daddy would be going to school with him.
Sometimes I wonder how in the world did I get here…where a cough drop wrapper is so valuable and holds so much significance. This is my world, my reality of trying to survive daily. This wasnt the plan.
Not the best picture, it was dark in the room still. 🙂
Picking Brock up that first day he was all smiles and came crawling up to me saying “momma momma momma” like he always does when he is tired. He had a good day. Love that boy! 🙂