Do you have clothes that you can remember playing a pivotal moment in your life? I can remember what I wore on the way to the hospital to have Elizabeth and Garrett and what I wore home. I still have them. I also have what I call the “cancer dress” in my closet. I was wearing it that Sunday when I walked back into Justin’s hospital room after the oncologist left. It is THE dress I was wearing while he cried that he was going to die. I knew it was still in the closet but couldn’t ever bring myself to wear it again, it was just too painful. It has HIS tears on it…a part of HIM. I wore it this past Thursday and touched where I imagined his head was placed against my chest that night many times. HE is still there. I love and miss him so dearly. I am so glad he knew that…that I loved him.
There are other clothes I have that remind me of days and/or events of the past year. I had the “diagnosis” dress when we got the official diagnosis last November. I havent worn it since there either. I have the pants and green shirt I wore that was stretched over my huge belly covering our sweet baby boy in my womb. That was the outfit I wore to his first surgery and eventually what I would wear weeks later to give birth to our son. I also remember exactly what I was wearing when he died…pink shirt, white undershirt and grey pants. I wear this all the time…it makes me feel close to him. We kissed “goodbye” in this.
When I think of him and his clothes I think of the shirt he wore in our pictures and the “quits” I bought him to wear through all of surgeries and treatments and his Ironman shirt.
There is also the dress that Justin called “his dress”…he just liked it he said.
Sometimes I think I will never be normal or think normally again. I wont. Cancer has changed all of that. The kids have a cough make me think of Justin and how we thought he JUST had a cough. His lungs were dying. I cannot watch Brock cry without being irrational and almost frantic and wanting to fix whatever is wrong, he has been dealt enough in life already. ENOUGH!
Today while Brock and I were out he was getting all kinds of attention like usual…I mean look at him, who couldn’t love him??? This one older lady was talking about how big he is. I said yes, he is a big guy. His Daddy was a big guy. We parted ways and went on shopping. Later she approached us again and I figured she wanted another toothless grin from Brock. Instead she told me “It doesn’t get easier” you just learn to live with the loss.
His quote on his foot marker starts off with “It doesn’t get easier”…..
I asked her how did she know??? She said because I referred to Justin in the past tense. I told her had passed away a little over 4 months ago. It caught me off guard and I had to hold back tears. It scares me to live the rest of my life with this heartache. Don’t get me wrong I am SO thankful for the happiness Justin showed me, we showed each other but scared of how much it hurts now at times. I do not know how to process it most days, it is overwhelming, sucks the breath out of me and cuts to the core of my being.
I had another dream about Justin which thrills me…I wish he would visit every night. Maybe he does and I just do not remember??? In this dream I was changing Brock’s diaper and he was laying on my bed watching me. He leaned over to look my Brock’s bottom and commented on how his rash is much better. (We have been fighting a little diaper rash lately) He smiled and then I woke up. It seemed so real I could almost touch him…almost. FLML