Monthly Archives: June 2012

Sometimes, not always when someone hears the “story” of the past year their reactions are of how it all seems so tragic, sad and that they are sorry. It makes me have a huge question mark above my head??? Yes, I admit I have felt like I belong on the Lifetime channel somewhat but I am definitely not a sad pity case. With anything life can throw at you there is something to be learned, thankful for and to smile about! Missing Justin does not even come close to how his loss is felt. Everyday I miss him…his voice, his touch but I feel his presence. He has ways of making himself still known and it makes me smile! So, definitely I SMILE because it happened and would be lying if I said I did not cry because I miss him. I cry but have learned so much about myself and life. Justin and I had a lifetime together but we did not realize how short that “lifetime” would be. One thing I learned from him dying is how to LIVE! Things are very clear when they were not always so clear.

This past week I found myself visiting the Pleasure Pier in Galveston. Anyone who knows me knows that I do NOT ride amusement park rides…never have. They scared the poo out of me! I have been always been an experienced bench warmer and totally confident in my “yellow” chicken status as I watched everyone else ride.

When we arrived I thought to myself…I am going to ride and not miss out. I am done missing out on things that “scare” me! Besides I thought no one has been thrown into the ocean…yet!  Yes I was scared, screamed a few profanities and almost left a puddle in the seat but I rode them ALL! Not a big deal to most people but for me this was HUGE!

The Love that Justin and I shared can never be put into words and will live in my heart forever. Someone said to me that Justin had “lost” his battle with cancer. Again I am sure I had the question mark above my head. I never looked at it as he lost. Justin WON that evening back in April. He was CHOSEN to leave the physical world to live in a world of complete bliss where disease does not exist. We are the ones who feel his loss…we are the ones who lost but I most definitely will hang on to the love we shared. Justin WON. I miss him dearly but he certainly did not lose!

Father’s Day is here and I feel almost like I “survived” it. Honestly I wasn’t sure how I would feel on this Sunday. It has been a good day. Brock and I celebrated Justin just as we do everyday..okay well maybe I little bit more today, after all Justin liked a fuss made over him! 😉 At church there was a part in the clip of a movie they showed us where it was a grown son talking to his father at his grave. The son talked about how he tries to always live his life so that one day he will come “face to face” with his Dad. This of course made me think of Brock. Yes, Brock did get to meet his father and we have a few pictures but he will not have any memories of his own of his Daddy. In my heart I can only hope that Brock chooses to live so that one day he can to come face to face with his father again. Part of the message was about how your journey tells your story not one event. It is not about the race but the rise…

Justin’s presence is all around us and gives me strength and peace constantly. There have been times since he passed away that I get anxious about things that I will have to do with Brock as his only living parent. Can I do it all? Today I knew at church would be dedicated to Father’s…like it should be. It gave me anxiety. Would I turn into a bawl of tears at our loss or would I feel a sense of celebration for the Daddy that Brock DOES have? He DOES have a Daddy…his soul and spirit are here, he lives in our hearts instead of our home. 

I have thought I am just going to stay home…it is easier. Really it is not easier. The world keeps going and if I let an “event” pass by me because it is just too hard emotionally then I am missing out. I loose…I do not want to miss out on anything! I am not saying today was easy…everyday has it’s moments and I suspect it will be that way for the rest of my life. I embrace the peace and also the grief, they are both VERY real and I believe lead to healing.  So, I survived Father’s Day. It was a good day! After church we went to the cemetery. I purposely did not have coffee until we got there so I could “share” it with my love. I got a to-go cup and took it with me. Brock drank his bottle and I my coffee. We talked to and about his Daddy, listened to a few songs that reminded me of Justin and left his gift. 

He is missed beyond words and I am sad he is not physically here with me but you know what…it is okay. He doesn’t hurt, he isn’t sick and he can breathe where he is at while here on earth he could not. He body just gave out long before any of us where ready but it is not in our time. I was not ready for him to go but I am so Glad That He Came! 

When I was taking pictures today at the cemetery I looked at the bird again and realized that it had no feet. Justin showed me pictures he drew when he was younger of different animals but none of them had feet. I asked him why they were all feet-less…he replied that he didn’t know how to draw feet. So it was fitting that the bird today had not feet! Made me smile…he could always make me smile! 🙂

This sweet little boy doesn’t even know the ray of sunshine he puts into my heart everyday. I do not think that I could ever explain exactly how he makes my heart smile.  All three of my children are blessing and I love them so very much but the love I feel for Brock is just different…not greater, just different. He is always smiling and happy, how can you not smile at a happy baby? It is almost like he understands exactly what I need and gives it to me.

He reminds me SO much of his father…his hands even in their little chubby baby state look like Justin’s. Today while we were laying on the bed together he reached out and placed his fresh from his mouth wet hand on my cheek. It brought tears to my eyes…my sweet youngest son was reaching for his Momma but also it gave me comfort that it was part of Justin reaching out to touch my cheek too.

The kids keep me busy and moving forward but when Liz and Garrett are gone Brock keeps me busy still. I am so grateful he is here, part of Justin and the love we shared for each other. He just makes me smile. I am so proud I was chosen to be his mother!

There has been several times I have asked quietly to myself…please let me have the strength to get through this. Justin gave me so much strength and advice. He is/was my partner. The times I have asked for his strength or guidance he has given it to me. Sometimes it sucks the breath out of me the reminders that he is still around watching. He is missed so much but it also gives me comfort that I am never alone.