Surely throughout life everyone has thought this…”why me?” Whether it be a happy event or not so happy one. Saturday I took all three of my babies to the zoo. While we were there I felt surrounded by happy families. The ones that stood out to me where of course the ones that had a Mother, Father and baby. It made me sad because Brock will never know that feeling of having both his parents with him. It was his first trip to the zoo, first carousal and train ride. There are SO many firsts coming up…a lifetime of firsts that I will be the only parent for him. It breaks my heart for him, it is just unfair and I do not know the reason why this is the hand he was dealt.
While we were there, looking at the happy families and expectant moms that seemed to be everywhere I thought to myself they look like there are living in a world of complete bliss. They are so unaware of the heartache that lives within me now daily. I hope they never know how loosing their child’s father, their love feels. Of course I know that everyone is fighting some battle in their lives right now. Just as they have no idea what I have been through neither do I know what they are going through. I remember thinking while looking at a pregnant woman…what would she think if she knew the father of her baby would die 3 months after their baby was born? It made me think…why me? Why did this happen to Brock? To Justin? To me???
Today while thinking about this again…why me? It occurred to me…why not me? None of us can see the whole plan for our life. Justin came into my life exactly when he was suppose too. He saved me in many ways…ways he only knows. He showed me exactly what true unconditional love and happiness are. He was sent to show me those things. Like I said at his memorial he changed my life…he made me a better person. We changed each other. We were brought together for our short time because we needed each other. We were given Brock, our sweet son. In my heart he left too soon…selfishly I still want him here with me and his children.
So this brings me back to the why me and the why not me? Justin was brought into my life and taken from it because I would not be given more than I can handle. Daily I miss and mourn him but know that one day I will see him again. I wake up trying to have an open heart and make the decisions that will one day let me be with him in a place that we can never be separated again for all eternity. His body gave out on him but his soul continues to live! He is my soul’s counterpart and one day we will meet again not in the physical world.
When we left the zoo Liz and Garrett were talking to me about how many firsts Brock had with them today. We also talked about how his Daddy, Justin had watched all these firsts as they were happening. I asked them where is Brock’s Daddy? They both pointed up to the clouds in the sky and said one word…heaven.
Yes…why not me? Knowing everything I wouldn’t change anything. Even though Justin’s passing from his body and his soul going to heaven is incredibly hard everyday and just breathing at times seems impossible he came into my life exactly when he was supposed to. I am forever grateful and glad it WAS me. FLML