Finding out I was pregnant with Brock was a complete shock to say the least. I had not planned to have any more children and between Justin and I we had 6 babies already. When the test came back positive I began to panic to say the least, Justin was the calm one. He said he loved me and that I was carrying his child. That our love was growing inside of me. Besides…once you have 6 kids what is one more really, right?!? We had talked a few times about if we would want a child of our own. We did. I guess our wish had been granted. If we would have waited until the time was “right” we never would have been able to get pregnant…the chemo would have taken that option away and “someday” would have never came. Every baby is a miracle but Brock is the next step above that. There were so many obstacles and reasons he should not be here there is just no other explanation. Justin had end stage testicular cancer and I had fertility issues. Brock is miracle sent to us for a very special reason. He is a living miracle and my saving grace. I would be lost without him.

Being pregnant during all of this was mind-blowing scary. Life is a gift not a given…yes, we all say that but it really is! During the past 5 months I have witnessed a our precious son enter this world and his amazing father leave it. Both have changed my life obviously. To watch our son..screaming and taking his first breaths and a short time later feeling the warmth leave Justin body and his breaths stop were both unbelievable moments in my life I will never forget.

When we talked about names and if we would be having a boy or a girl I thought we were having a girl, after all Justin had 3 beautiful girls already and one sweet son. Either way it did not matter to us…we just wanted healthy. He joked that he only made boys in Texas…his son was conceived in Texas and the girls in New Jersey. I guess he was right!

I felt many times like we looked like a walking lifetime story…him with cancer and me pregnant. I was so proud to be carrying our child. Driving in the car, sitting together…anywhere really he would touch my pregnant stomach. I loved that. He made me feel safe, protected, taken care of.  In some ways he still does.

Everyday I am thankful we were chosen to be the parents of Brock. Last fall while laying together Justin said to me that maybe we were given Brock because he wasn’t going to be here with me. He was right…why did he have to be so smart. Why could he have not been wrong this one time? I cried tears of joy when Brock came into this world at 12:29am and cried tears of complete heartache when Justin left it at 7:31pm.