This picture was taken March 16th…Brock was 3 months old. He and I were upstairs alone letting Justin rest and get some sleep.
Do you know what you were doing this evening two months ago…March 15th? I do. I was at our house making dinner for Justin and I. Brock was sleeping on the couch upstairs, Justin was upstairs with him. I was downstairs in the kitchen. This would be the last night we would spend alone together not in a hospital. I brought us dinner upstairs but he did not eat anything…he hadnt had an appetite in a while, we assumed it was due to the chemo still. He couldn’t really talk because talking made him cough. That evening I asked if he would please call his oncologist in the morning. He did not think there was really anything they could do because it was just a cold that had to run its course. His suppressed immune system was making that a challenge. That night he coughed and coughed and coughed some more. He coughed until he vomitted…he had done that several times over the past month.
The following morning when I heard him downstairs moving around and coughing Brock and I went down. I gave Justin his phone and asked him to please call his oncologist. He finally agreed too and called. We dressed and left the house together for the doctors office…it would be the last time we would leave the house together.
I can still feel him laying beside me, spooning me and recall his shallow breathing and what his stomach felt like right before he would start coughing. When I felt his coughing about to start I would reach for the glass of water we know kept next to the bed and hand it to him, then open a cough drop for him. Nothing had to be said…I knew what he needed. We knew what each other needed…
Tonight I sit here missing him and cannot believe that was 2 months ago already. Tomorrow our sweet baby Brock will turn 5 months old and it will also be the day 2 months ago Justin entered the hospital. We fully intended him to be walking out with us one day…how I wish that day would have come. I physically ache for him daily. Our son smiles and brings such joy to my heart. Every milestone is so bittersweet. I never imagined doing this on my own…raising Brock. Being his only parent. It is just so unfair and gives me such anxiety. What if something happens to me? Bad things happen, that has been proven. His father was an amazing man he will have no memories of his own of. It makes me so angry. How does this happen? WHY does this happen. I want answers but there aren’t any.