Like the blog title says…this is not the way it was planned. A plan is good! I am someone that really needs a plan. Justin and I had a plan, it was a constantly changing plan. We had to adjust it for many things and people but our goal in the end never changed…we would be together with our children. Ex spouses would make us frustrated or angry, court would be delayed and we would adjust our plan. CANCER was a definite plan changer for us…both good and unbelievably horribly bad. Cancer taught us what was important, family everything else was details. We loved each other before that day last fall when our worlds changed forever but we just did not realize how much. I remember crying begging for him not be to taken from this earth…not from his children and selfishly from me. We needed him…we still do! Walking back into that hospital room that Sunday evening after the oncologist had left and seeing his face. He was SO scared. He looked at me and said if this is lymphoma I am going to die…I was 30 weeks pregnant. I can remember what I was wearing (black dress), what room we were in 421, what he was wearing..nothing but a sheet, what he smelt like but more so what I remember is how his chest felt as he cried. It was not just a cry but a scared, gut wrenching deep from your soul wail. We laid in the hospital bed and just cried. Tears just flowed, there was no stopping them. We had no answers but plenty of questions. How could this be happening? What was the plan now?